Chayyei Sarah: The Benei Chet: Good For Purchasing Burial Plots From, But No Good For A Shidduch

At the beginning of parshat Chayyei Sarah, we have the exceedingly polite exchange between Avraham and the Benei Cheit. Yet in the very next perek, when choosing a wife for his son Yitzchak, Avraham passuls the shidduch. Why the difference?

First off, this may serve as a good maaseh avot siman labanim for us, or as a role model for us, as we interact in modern society. Just because you have strictures preventing forming close bonds such as marriage with gentiles, this does not mean that you cannot be civil to them. There can be mutual respect, even as religious and theological differences exist. Conversely, just because one must be polite to other humans, who were created in the image of God, this does not mean that one must sacrifice one's principles and religious ways.

Why did Avraham insist on a wife for Yitzchak from the city of Nachor? We might look to Shadal, who writes:

אשר לא תקח אשה לבני מבנות הכנעני : שאם היה מתחתן בהם, שוב לא ייתכן לישראל להוריש הכנעני מארצו אחרי היותם אחים, כמו שלא יתגרו מלחמה במואב עמון ואדום. והיה ג"כ מכוונת התורה באריכות הסיפור הוה להרחיק את ישראל מהתחתן בכנענים

Thus, the concern was twofold: so that there should be no issue driving out the Canaanites later on, if they were family; and as a lesson for future generations reading the story to distance the Israelites from joining with the Canaanites.

I would suggest a different reason -- so as to preserve the monotheistic tradition. After all, the Canaanites were idolaters.

After all, in Devarim 7, we read:

א כִּי יְבִיאֲךָ, יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, אֶל-הָאָרֶץ, אֲשֶׁר-אַתָּה בָא-שָׁמָּה לְרִשְׁתָּהּ; וְנָשַׁל גּוֹיִם-רַבִּים מִפָּנֶיךָ הַחִתִּי וְהַגִּרְגָּשִׁי וְהָאֱמֹרִי וְהַכְּנַעֲנִי וְהַפְּרִזִּי, וְהַחִוִּי וְהַיְבוּסִי--שִׁבְעָה גוֹיִם, רַבִּים וַעֲצוּמִים מִמֶּךָּ.	1 When the LORD thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and shall cast out many nations before thee, the Hittite, and the Girgashite, and the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite, seven nations greater and mightier than thou;
ב וּנְתָנָם יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, לְפָנֶיךָ--וְהִכִּיתָם: הַחֲרֵם תַּחֲרִים אֹתָם, לֹא-תִכְרֹת לָהֶם בְּרִית וְלֹא תְחָנֵּם.	2 and when the LORD thy God shall deliver them up before thee, and thou shalt smite them; then thou shalt utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor show mercy unto them;
ג וְלֹא תִתְחַתֵּן, בָּם: בִּתְּךָ לֹא-תִתֵּן לִבְנוֹ, וּבִתּוֹ לֹא-תִקַּח לִבְנֶךָ.	3 neither shalt thou make marriages with them: thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.
ד כִּי-יָסִיר אֶת-בִּנְךָ מֵאַחֲרַי, וְעָבְדוּ אֱלֹהִים אֲחֵרִים; וְחָרָה אַף-ה בָּכֶם, וְהִשְׁמִידְךָ מַהֵר.	4 For he will turn away thy son from following Me, that they may serve other gods; so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and He will destroy thee quickly.

Was Lot any better? Was Rivkah? Well, based on the words coming out of his mouth in the narrative, it seems that they believed in Hashem. Perhaps this was a belief that ran in Avraham's family, even in the city of Nachor. Sure, Avraham was chosen, but that did not mean that others in the family did not have, or adopt, his beliefs.

Thus, when Eliezer interacts with Avraham's extended family, Lavan says {Bereishit 24}:

לא וַיֹּאמֶר, בּוֹא בְּרוּךְ ה; לָמָּה תַעֲמֹד, בַּחוּץ, וְאָנֹכִי פִּנִּיתִי הַבַּיִת, וּמָקוֹם לַגְּמַלִּים.

31 And he said: 'Come in, thou blessed of the LORD; wherefore standest thou without? for I have cleared the house, and made room for the camels.'

and a bit later, we have:

נ וַיַּעַן לָבָן וּבְתוּאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ, מֵה יָצָא הַדָּבָר; לֹא נוּכַל דַּבֵּר אֵלֶיךָ, רַע אוֹ-טוֹב.	50 Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said: 'The thing proceedeth from the LORD; we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.
נא הִנֵּה-רִבְקָה לְפָנֶיךָ, קַח וָלֵךְ; וּתְהִי אִשָּׁה לְבֶן-אֲדֹנֶיךָ, כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה.	51 Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.'

Shadal understands this as originally being other speech, such as using Elohim, which the Torah adapted to match the Israelite speech pattern. Thus:

ברוך ה' : אין צורך שיהיה זה ממש מאמר לבן, כי התורה העתיקה דיבור זה מלשון המדבר ללשון ישראל, וכן אמרה : ברוך ה', גם כי לבן לא ידע את ה', ואמר : ברוך אלהים , או כיוצא בזה

However, we might treat them as monotheists, or else as polytheists who counted Hashem among other deities. This would then be the most optimal solution for Yitzchak's shidduch.